Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Not Being Dead

I was thinking today about how great it is not to be dead.

I mean, a few years ago I was dead and now I'm not. I. In a few years I will probably be dead again, but at the moment I'm not at all dead - which is quite a bonus (most of the time).

I was trying to think about which particular aspects of life make it so great not being dead.

One thing that definitely makes it worth not being dead is food. I'm guessing that when you're dead, then you don't eat anything. I mean, even if you're floating around as a ghost or something, you’re not going to eat anything.

Some people think that when you're a ghost you maybe feed off power lines and other electrical power sources, but even so, that hardly compares to a ice cream or a hamburger does it? Even though 240 volts of power may assure you a continuing existence in the afterlife, I doubt it tastes particularly great - it's probably akin to existing purely on boiled rice: boring, but keeps you going. Ghosts are definitely missing a trick by not evolving into some form of entity that can exist solely on ice-cream - I don’t think even an eternity on ice-cream would be too long.

I think another thing I’d really miss is bodily functions.

It might be great to float around in the ether or Heaven, or whatever may or may not await us, but I personally would really miss everyday bodily functions such as picking my nose. You’ve got to admit, there’s something very satisfying about getting a finger jammed up your nose and having a good dig about whilst no-one is looking. Nose-picking is one of those nasty habits we all acquire that no-one will admit to. It’s in the same league as masterbation and taking a leak in the shower. I suspect that in the afterlife there are no limbs, digits or noses, making nose picking totally unfeasible (which is a real pity). I’m sure there are other benefits to being a dead entity (such as floating around invisibly watching women in the shower), but the loss of digging out nasal debris will be a sad loss.

I guess one of the best things about not being dead is having a pet. I doubt they really allow pets in the afterlife. I’m a big fan of having a pet - I’m a particular fan of cats, but am also fond of dogs, horses, birds and even the odd furry creature that may normally be regarded as vermin.

I think it would a pretty miserable existence not being allowed pets. In fact, I think one major own-goal that blights some mainstream religions is the notion that pets do not possess a soul. It’s pretty sad to think that in the hereafter you won’t get to meet up with Tiddles, Bonzo or Rex (but it might be a good thing if it was a dog who used to sh** around the house a lot).

As a passionate pet owner of many years, it’s hard to believe that if we have a ‘soul’ that our treasured pets are not afforded the same privilege. Pets provide more love and companionship than many people I know. In fact if it came down to it, I think I'd rather opt for the eternity of darkness & nothingness rather than being stuck in some alternative eternal destination with some of the miserable dweebs I’ve met in life, if I’m not allowed to meet up with my dearly departed pets.

And, finally, I guess the one thing that almost goes without saying on my list of things that are great about not being dead is: beer. In fact, it’s hard to believe that there won’t be any beer in our final, eternal destination. It would be great to sit in a heavenly pub with a few angels eating salty snacks and drunkenly nudging each other when an attractive spirit walks by. But, as I doubt that eating and drinking are part of post-life activities, I doubt this scenario will arise. So, I’ll have to make-do with enjoying the heavenly liquid whilst confined to this earthly plane. I look forward to the coming warm summer months when I can return from a run and grab an ice-cold beer out of the fridge and cool down in the sunshine with a glistening, dripping bottle of chilled amber goodness.

I suppose there are other things that I’ll miss, such as the beauty of nature, the chuckles of a young child and the smell of new born babies, but all of that sh** is for people who are a little more ‘cerebral’ than me. I’ll miss the more ‘earthy’ aspects of our earthbound existence.
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